The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Bring back the McRib
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door