@ninetek: I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like "Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..."
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@karlainvt: Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
@MissBamantha: Overheard a girl just say she's full because she ate at 3:00. It's 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to? Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables. 5: Because Mom is scary? Bingo.
@wife3kidsnodogs: How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?