There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
You Might Also Like
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.