Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.