Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work