I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning