Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
You Might Also Like
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
This is amazing.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.