@thesulk: I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they're always wrong about everything.
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@Pspenny36: 7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage....now go to bed.
@DrDogMD: NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin! DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I'll take this one
@mollzbenn: It's amazing how much you can get away with by wearing an orange vest and a hard hat. I've been digging a hole in this Forever 21 for hours.
@SteveSuckington: Will Smith: "Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me" My Dad: "Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve"