I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.