A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti