@TheMichaelRock: I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
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@truegritrumble: ME: I hit my neighbors car. CAT: I killed my last 4 owners. ME: YOU CAN TALK! CAT: ... ME: Wait, what did you just say? CAT: *blinks*
@aissalanis: Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*