I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Life cycle of cat
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.