I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
You Might Also Like
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.