I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.