I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.