I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”