I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises