I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.