I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
These are my roll models.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.