I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
is this a warning or an offer?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile