@Writethatdown12: I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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@GingaSnapppa: I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
@jasonroeder: Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That's what they want you to think," say, "No, but that's what they wanted you to tell me."
@NinjaFuneral: I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
@ellieholcomb: Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /