I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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secret recipe
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Tremendous stuff
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.