*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?