I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?