@weinerdog4life: I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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@shkeeber: 1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.
@hansmollman: Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I'll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
@thejessigirl45: Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day?
@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?