I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse