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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.