These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.