I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I think about this a lot
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
😆this is so true
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball