my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes