[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Cats (2019)
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep