My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics