@VeryGrumpyCat: I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
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@iinkedZombie: [pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*
@GreenishDuck: Don't let the door hit you on the way out! *guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
@marcia_bee: Note to self: "rubber" in the US does NOT mean "eraser". Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!
@OneFunnyMummy: Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent's house.