I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
CRYING
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”