I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?