I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
You are what you delete.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“i am a sweet baby”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.