I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I was up all night reading about insomnia