@albz: I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
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@TrickleVaryTea: Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
@midnightwhale: [police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
@jennfer46: Husband wanted me to go hunting today. He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute
@Not_a_JesusGirl: There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.