I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL