I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
britain’s three elite institutions
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?