I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
lol
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger