I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented