I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good