@Bagyants: I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."
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@BrettDruck: I posted "I did it!!!" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
@LeonEarlgrey: Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping? Cop2: should we go help? Cop1: No it's ok he woke up. This fall on CBS "Good Cop, Dad Cop"
@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw