@Bagyants: I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."
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@XplodingUnicorn: [scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish