I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.