@KKAlThani: I bet whenever a cow eats a lot of grass she says to her friends "I've been eating like a cow!" and they'd laugh and moo or whatever cows do
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@Ygrene: [being murdered at Best Buy] Murderer: *murdering me* Me: *being murdered* Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job? ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I'm dying! Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!
@behindyourback: 11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything