Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill