“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98