“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
life finds a way
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”