me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
? 💀
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…