I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
nature’s most graceful animal
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.