@Savage_Scavange: I bet you 5390.24$ you can't guess how much money I owe my parents.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) "What?"
@prufrockluvsong: The waiter who's drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp. Him: Fresh Parmesan? Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
@SuperRandomish: Autocorrect changed "baby rattle" to "baby battle" and now I'm googling where to buy tiny weapons.