I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster