Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.