When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
This classic never gets old . . .
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.