Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
i choose….tongue
😏😏😏
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed