@StellaRtwot: I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.
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@Mickey_McCauley: The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.
@MasterSociopath: I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
@davidkenny100: Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie: "Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days" "Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"
@KeetPotato: me: "i taught this chimp to say words" chimp: "nice haircut" reporter: "oh my god.. does he know anything else?" me: "sarcasm apparently"