Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.