I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Now this is how you LinkedIn
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes