“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
You Might Also Like
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.