“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”