[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on